nonsense

This post will probably seem like nonsense.

I have a lot on my mind and I need to get it out so if it makes no sense, pay no mind.

My first issue is with a friend. We lost touch for a bit after she had a baby this past summer. I understand she'd be busy. Once things settled down, she sent me a facebook message asking how i was, what's up, etc..trying to catch up. I replied. I explained how I got an infected tooth which flared up to a huge infection and as that cleared up, my grandfather got really sick and ended up in the hospital. Her reply? Nothing.

Then last week, she sends a text saying what's up, how are you...you know trying to catch up. Only she added she felt bad for not really keeping in touch and not being there for me and she wanted to try to be a bit more now. So I said I'd call her when I got home from work. I did. She apologized and said she was on her way out the door to have supper with friends. Ok. Fine. I make the effort and even though she knew I was calling, she neglected to tell me of any plans and then brushed it off. She wanted to make more of an effort to "be there for me" but whatever.

Today's her birthday and I sent a text wishing a happy birthday, hope it was going good and that I would call her later on as I knew she'd be busy. Her reply was "yea, sure thanks. later" I felt a little insulted and was tempted not to call, but I did. Again, she was on her way out the door. What's the point. She makes it seem like she wants to be there for me, but why do I want to tell my problems to someone who is only pretending to make an effort.

Then there's another issue.

I thought I liked someone. I kept the feelings ummm...pushed away? I guess that's how to describe it because this person has a girlfriend. He apparently liked me as well. I come to find out in the time I lost touch with him (a few weeks), he's grown feelings for someone else and she has strong feelings for him as well.

Now, I know I shouldn't feel hurt because I shouldn't have invested my feelings in someone who was in a relationship, but...how do you say you feel that way about me, go and "get feelings" for someone else and then tell me you like someone else, like it's no big deal? Now he's all conflicted because he wants to leave his current relationship, but doesn't know if it's a good idea...I dunno. Writing this out seems so "high school"...

I really do wish i had someone to talk to. But everyone else is so wrapped up in their own lives. I feel selfish to want someone to just take some time out to listen. They have their own problems.

I don't know.

I went through depression in high school and with the help of meds it went away, but for the past couple of months, I've been been really fighting to urge to cry for no reason. I just get really down. Nothing seems really...important anymore. I feel alone even when people are around me. Disincluded... There, but not. I feel like everyone's living without me.

Whaaaaaaaaatever. Geeeet over it, right?

i'll get back to you, god knows i try, but i still lose

In better days I've been known to listen
I go to waste all my time is missing

I'm mapping out my ending,
it's never gonna happen now
These things are condescending
with everybody backing down

You pray to stars that can help you get by
And all at once you forget to try

I'd go there if you let me,
they're never gonna find me now
My life is always empty
and in and out of doubt

Your not coming back for me, these things they will never be
I'm so used to being wrong, so put me where I belong

I'll get back to you,
God knows I try,
but I still lose
And I get back to you,
these days run by,
but I still lose


Angels say they can make you suffer
They give and take like a vicious lover

When all this loses meaning,
You'll never want it back somehow
Awake but still I'm dreaming
And never waking up

Alone...Where I'm not alone

----------------*---------------

Just how I'm feeling.

Disappointment is a sort of bankruptcy - the bankruptcy of a soul that expends too much in hope and expectation.

I'd like to go up to all those "friends" who have disappointed me and give them a big "Fuck you". Just walk right up, smile, flip them the bird and walk away.

I don't know at this point what I do to people to make them treat me the way they do. I'm not a horrible person, so why do I get treated horribly?

The thought of becoming a hermit sounds very appealing to me lately. To be able to disappear and not have to answer to anyone, deal with stupid bullshit, hear other people's complaints. Ah, yes. Bliss.

I must have had a lemon for breakfast cuz I aaaaam bitter.

Hey baby don’t you worry, even though the road is rocky I'll be coming home to you again.

I've really been playing with the idea of moving out on my own lately.

I just feel the need to be independent and on my own. I want to make my own rules, do the dishes when I feel like it, raise my dog the way I want.

I'm tired of walking on eggshells, tired of doing nothing all weekend long. Tired of waking up before it's even light out to get to work for 9 am.

Blah.

I also think I've started developing feelings for someone else. Well, I did last year and since then I have tried to push it aside but I can't help but wonder what would it be like. Being in a relationship with the same 5 years has definitely made me question whether I could spend my life with the same person...and be happy. I'm sure I could do it for the sake of it, but I don't know if I believe in everlasting love.

I see cute couples who look like they are in love and I think, "Is that how I am supposed to feel? Am I even in love any more?". I hate second-guessing.

It's time for change.

no direction

I'm seriously considering taking out an ad on craigslist or something for a best friend. Mine have totally let me down. Not that I've had a best friend for years, but the people I used to consider a best friend have basically replaced me and it kind of hurts. I understand you move away, things change and you make new friends but I don't know. No one is really trustworthy.

I just hate the way I've been feeling lately and how I have absolutely no one to turn to who will at least listen without trying to solve my problems for me or force me to do something I am not comfortable with.

Yesterday I hated the world. Today I hate everything.

creative exlax

I recently came across an interesting blog, wish jar that has really inspired me.

On the side bar, she has a link to her list of 100 ideas. So, to break out of my creative rut, I have decided to tackle the list. One idea at a time. I'll document it here by either scanning or taking pictures, etc.

First on the agenda (since there are 5 spaces for you to create your own ideas), I shall customize this blog. Hopefully I remember to get around to it between a job, freelancing and taking care of a poor little pug puppy with a broken leg.

Wish me luck.

I'm about to lose my blogging virginity…

And… there we go. Was it good for you?

Basically, I started this blog to rant about my daily encounters on my commute to work. I wouldn't have much to say if my commute was only say…half an hour, but nope. Each day I spend approximately 3 and a half hours (give or take) sitting on a bus. That doesn't include the time I stand there waiting for my buses to come. So, in total it takes me about 4 hours to get to and from work each day. If I were to take a car, it would only be about 1/2 an hour to get there, but given the shitty transit system it takes much longer.

Ok, so! Enough about that. I have some ideas for upcoming posts, so I will just leave this as the introductory entry that probably no one will read (and I predict none of my other entries will be read, but this is my outlet)