nonsense

This post will probably seem like nonsense.

I have a lot on my mind and I need to get it out so if it makes no sense, pay no mind.

My first issue is with a friend. We lost touch for a bit after she had a baby this past summer. I understand she'd be busy. Once things settled down, she sent me a facebook message asking how i was, what's up, etc..trying to catch up. I replied. I explained how I got an infected tooth which flared up to a huge infection and as that cleared up, my grandfather got really sick and ended up in the hospital. Her reply? Nothing.

Then last week, she sends a text saying what's up, how are you...you know trying to catch up. Only she added she felt bad for not really keeping in touch and not being there for me and she wanted to try to be a bit more now. So I said I'd call her when I got home from work. I did. She apologized and said she was on her way out the door to have supper with friends. Ok. Fine. I make the effort and even though she knew I was calling, she neglected to tell me of any plans and then brushed it off. She wanted to make more of an effort to "be there for me" but whatever.

Today's her birthday and I sent a text wishing a happy birthday, hope it was going good and that I would call her later on as I knew she'd be busy. Her reply was "yea, sure thanks. later" I felt a little insulted and was tempted not to call, but I did. Again, she was on her way out the door. What's the point. She makes it seem like she wants to be there for me, but why do I want to tell my problems to someone who is only pretending to make an effort.

Then there's another issue.

I thought I liked someone. I kept the feelings ummm...pushed away? I guess that's how to describe it because this person has a girlfriend. He apparently liked me as well. I come to find out in the time I lost touch with him (a few weeks), he's grown feelings for someone else and she has strong feelings for him as well.

Now, I know I shouldn't feel hurt because I shouldn't have invested my feelings in someone who was in a relationship, but...how do you say you feel that way about me, go and "get feelings" for someone else and then tell me you like someone else, like it's no big deal? Now he's all conflicted because he wants to leave his current relationship, but doesn't know if it's a good idea...I dunno. Writing this out seems so "high school"...

I really do wish i had someone to talk to. But everyone else is so wrapped up in their own lives. I feel selfish to want someone to just take some time out to listen. They have their own problems.

I don't know.

I went through depression in high school and with the help of meds it went away, but for the past couple of months, I've been been really fighting to urge to cry for no reason. I just get really down. Nothing seems really...important anymore. I feel alone even when people are around me. Disincluded... There, but not. I feel like everyone's living without me.

Whaaaaaaaaatever. Geeeet over it, right?

i'll get back to you, god knows i try, but i still lose

In better days I've been known to listen
I go to waste all my time is missing

I'm mapping out my ending,
it's never gonna happen now
These things are condescending
with everybody backing down

You pray to stars that can help you get by
And all at once you forget to try

I'd go there if you let me,
they're never gonna find me now
My life is always empty
and in and out of doubt

Your not coming back for me, these things they will never be
I'm so used to being wrong, so put me where I belong

I'll get back to you,
God knows I try,
but I still lose
And I get back to you,
these days run by,
but I still lose


Angels say they can make you suffer
They give and take like a vicious lover

When all this loses meaning,
You'll never want it back somehow
Awake but still I'm dreaming
And never waking up

Alone...Where I'm not alone

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Just how I'm feeling.